I saw this on another board and thought I'd post it here. It's a letter sent to The Times regarding the Perth Test. What do you lot think?
Dear Mr Barnes
As an ardent cricket fan of the non "Barmy Army" variety , I hope you will forgive me for writing you on the subject of my experiences of being in the same 5 star hotel as both the English team and indeed many of your journalistic "colleagues" for the last week or so in Perth.
I thought it might be best if I diarised the experience of myself and my companion, another who prefers luxury to discomfort! I can't be absolutely sure of all times due to various (occasionally alcoholic) reasons but I hope my point will be clear fairly early on.
Monday 11th December - c 10pm-T Day minus 3 days - we've been in Aus about 10 hours now; just settling in - have found our seats at the Bar, along with Messrs Botham, Atherton, Hussein etc; wow, those Sky guys certainly have a tough life! Just re-reading how Arsene Wenger doesn't really respect English players because of their drinking culture etc. Oh yes, forgot to mention that Messrs Bell, Jones and assorted others are also keeping us company. Oh well, I suppose they've got 3 whole days to recover.
Tuesday 12th December - c9am - T Day minus 2 days - a funny thing happened this morning. Maybe we just had hallucinatory hangovers or something but I could've sworn we've just seen many of the English players stroll into breakfast with their wives, children, prams, nappies - what a lovely holiday scene! It's just like Germany 2006. And didn't we do well there too? And look, instead of sitting with each other, talking, strategising, having a laugh, bonding (God forbid!) the players are all sitting on separate tables with their wives and children, looking pretty glum and not even talking to each other! Ah, that's sweet, one of the 342 staff travelling with the players is sitting next to Monty who otherwise, without wife or child, would've been sitting on his todd. How thoughtful.
Wednesday 13th December- c9.15am-T Day minus 1 day - we've just had the same hallucinatory experience as yesterday except that KP and Monty seem to have found each other at breakfast. Oh yes and Andrew Strauss can be heard laughing about how little sleep he got last night 'cos his nipper was up half the night! What a 21st century man he is. I mean if I was possibly going to be facing the best cricket bowling attack in the world within 24 hours, I would probably want at least 12 hours completely uninterrupted sleep - that Strauss bloke must be super-human!
Thursday 14th December - c9.15am- it's Test Match Day - came down to brekkie -excellent to see that the boys are down the WACA practising - I mean if I was any one of Strauss, Jones, Cook, Flintoff, Harmison, I'd have been up and sorting my batting , bowling etc. Afterall, it's not as though they don't need the practice! Wait a moment, it's all happening again; they're all rolling into brekkie - the WAGs, the kids, the prams, the nappies. Well at least they'll all be sitting together on the morning of the match won't they? Oh of course, they can't can they -if that happened, the WAGs would be all upset and we can't have that can we?
Friday 15th December - c 11.30 PM - we get back from dinner and guess what? Ian Bell has obviously had a lovely diner somewhere and quite understandably wants to wash it all down with a bottle of that lovely Aussie beer we've all been drinking. And his lovely wife has bought a bottle for him. How romantic! We think we can add to this touching scene by generously sending over another bottle saying that whilst he's peeing away the Ashes, he might as well have another one on us! But our generosity deserts us at the last minute.
Saturday 16th September - c 9.15am - rather than hallucinating this morning, I think I've gone back in time. I come down to breakfast to see KP deep in conversation with Michael Vaughan, who is dressed in his English gear. I could've sworn Vaughany had been injured for months and had said he had no intention of being anywhere near the Test scene in Aus. And now he's actually in the same hotel as all the other guys! Well, he wouldn't want to be seen as being an interloper would he? Maybe KP thinks Vaughany's experience can be helpful to him? Freddie's probably got enough on his plate anyway!
Sunday 17th December - c9.30am - the usual scene in the breakfast room. We are queuing for our eggs and sausages next to Michael Atherton. My colleague remarks at what a lovely family scene it all this. Athers says well that's what happens at home so he can't see what the fuss is all about. Funny that, my colleague remarks, when they're playing at home, don't they stay in hotels on their own during the Test Matches? Athers stabs a sausage meaningfully and moves away. Lovely to see all cricketers, old and new, sticking together.
Monday 18th December - c11pm - we've just been out drowning our sorrows after Christmas has come a bit early for England and we've been stuffed harder from behind (and in front and indeed sideways) than any turkey could reasonably expect to be. We feel in need of a bit of cheering up. We get back to the hotel to see much merriment going on in the Bar. We figure it's those naughty Sky journos again, living it up. But no, it's most of the English squad (plus WAGS obviously) laughing and joking. Well I suppose it was only a game of cricket after all. And I'm sure all those people who've spent all that cash coming out to see the games really wouldn't mind the guys looking as though they've just lost a village match would they? The really funny thing though is that in the middle of this throng of laughter, one player stands out as looking as though he's feeling a bit upset. Trust him to spoil the frivolities, that KP. Oh and where's Monty? Gone to bed early someone said. Another party pooper.
Mr Barnes, all the above is true. If it seems unbelievable it was. And what's worse I haven't seen any newspaper article about how this chaos must have without question been a factor in our dismal performances.
I hope you can find a way to cover this aspect of what I suspect in time will be seen as one of the most disastrous cricket tours in a long time. Isn't it funny how in the last few years we've done a lot better when the players have gone to WAGs unpopular places like India and Pakistan?
I don't know, it sounds like a load of bollocks from the kind of **** who believes women shouldn't be within ten miles of anywhere where cricket is being played. The players obviously didn't spend the whole day having breakfast, did they?
